It's been 31 days since we lost you

This is a rollercoaster that I would love to get off of.

One minute I'm laughing at an Instagram post, the next I'm crying uncontrollably, and 5 min later I'm dancing in the kitchen with my dog. I feel bipolar, I feel like I shouldn't be smiling, I don't understand how I feel so "okay" at times, and how the hell can I be laughing at a time like this? I lost one of the most important people in my life, a best friend, someone I could call for absolutely anything, someone who understood me and I could share anything with, you, Dad.

It's been exactly a month since I slept beside you, counting your breaths, "just keep breathing", I thought to myself, "but I don't want you to be in any pain, and I don't want you to suffer", and then eventually, "ok god, please take him". Fuck, I have so much guilt. Why didn't I push to get into those doctor's appointments? Why didn't I visit you more? Why didn't I play hooky and get there for Christmas?

Some days I feel like you aren't even gone, and then someone told me that it would come in waves and all of a sudden it would hit me, really hard, and it did. I was driving down to the city last week, and my brakes sounded like they were starting to grind. The first thing I thought of was to call you. This has got to be the worst feeling in the world! I can't ever call you again. You were supposed to be here for at least another 5 years. You were going to get better, and we were supposed to travel together as a family at least one last time.

I miss you every single day. I'm so grateful that I recorded so many of our phone conversations, and I'm so grateful that I told you that I loved you, over and over again, every time I spoke to you.

I asked you last year after your stomach surgery if I could write about your cancer, and share your story, and you said, "Yes, you're good at that kind of stuff, Jo."

So I'm going to take your blessing and write about it because I don't think your story had to end this way, and maybe someone out there who reads this can relate, or maybe it will create a conversation that leads to a better ending.

I love you, Dad xo